The Pain of Change

Last night was maddening.

Lying in my bed, tossing and turning from the time I laid down until the time I got up. There were small pockets of sleep but the recurring nightmares jolted me awake frequently. If my eyes weren’t shutting on their own from sleep deprivation I would’ve been more inclined to just stay awake. Waking up from a nightmare, short of breath only to see your digital alarm clock read: “3:33” just fills with you some strange sense of horror. As if the numbers of the universe are conspiring against you and maybe there is something to this whole synchronization thing I was reading about last week.

I didn’t smoke any cigarettes yesterday at what feels like my first haggard attempt to quit. I did this same thing last Thursday with similar results. Sleepless nights filled with nightmares when I did manage to pass out. I made it Thursday and Friday but when Saturday night rolled around, I couldn’t take it anymore. I forgot why I quit. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to not have to fight this battle anymore. I caved and before the night was done, I bought a pack of smokes, got wasted on rye and ended up dropping some molly and staying up until 7am.

Woke up Sunday evening unable to think or even see straight. “Fuck!” was the only thing that represented how I felt. I was choked at myself for doing this. Suddenly everything that I had supposedly forgotten about why I wanted to quit smoking, came back and hit me in the head like a pile of bricks. This was why I wanted to stop. This is why I wanted to change because I hated feeling this way. I hated living this way.

The smokes have to be responsible for the nightmares. The consistency is there. I can’t sleep on nights I don’t drink so that probably contributes to the insomnia. That combined with the smokes creates a nice little personal hell in my bedroom. Perhaps though the seriousness of all this will be enough to actually keep me motivated to make this change. I’m not the person I used to be so why am I still trying to live my life like I am?

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to change as badly as I do now. I feel ready to grow up and leave behind these patterns of living. Patterns that I thought were my only comfort in this life are turning out to be the cause of much discomfort. I guess I always knew this day would come. I just figured I’d have some more answers by now.