A New Low

I hit rock bottom at some point in the last 24 hours. It was an immensely terrifying place to find myself. I never expected to reach this particular low. Alas, here I am.

The past few months have been a blur. I look in the mirror and have no idea who is staring back at me. I lost myself somehow. I lost sight of everything I wanted. I tried to recall but part of me couldn’t even remember what any of that was. There’s a certain feeling attached when you realize how severely you fucked up. It’s just so apparent. Red flags and sirens are going off inside of you signalling that you’ve reached a dangerous place. I woke up today and knew that this was bad. I realized it was also worse than I thought. It didn’t happen over night but slowly and steadily over this past stretch of time. It snuck right in without me seeing it. But now I can see it. I can see how truly dark and scary it is. It was a thundering wake-up call.

I’ve been running myself down working two jobs and dealing with daily life. I’ve become so bitter and devoid of all things good. I’ve felt so joyless. I feel like a slave. I told myself things would get better if I worked hard but I’ve found my own emotional state decline faster than things got any better. They haven’t really gotten any better at all for that matter. When you’re in a depressive state you attract so much more gnarly shit by operating your life on that wave length. I’ve seen it time and time again. It became especially clear last night when I did something I vowed never to do. I disappointed myself but mostly I felt as if I betrayed myself and everything that I was. That’s how you know you’ve reached a new low.

Amidst my flailing down the path of self-destruction I’ve been so selfish. I’ve pushed people away, jeopardized relationships, abandoned my responsibilities and looped myself in an endless cycle of self-loathing misery. Now as I look up from the ashes of my life around me, I realize what a mess things have become.

I’m not even sure how to fix this. My anxiety has been overwhelming lately. I can feel it swelling in my chest all day. I feel like I could burst at any moment. Everything has been so chaotic I feel like I can’t even see straight. I’m so choked at myself that I let things reach this point. I feel like such a mess. I quit my second job today. I feel like thats a step in the right direction. Today made me completely reevaluate my self-medicating techniques. Clearly, most of these have gotta go.

I need to be quiet. I need to be still. So I think that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be quiet and still and hide away from all the shit. I’ll pick up the pieces one by one, day by day and maybe eventually I’ll have some of the solid foundation I believe I once had. I’m done flailing. I’m done being selfish and I’m done trying to ease my troubles through toxic experiences.

But I still feel sad.