What a night…

I often feeling unsettled by the things that transpire within my own mind. A haunting reminder of the sheer force of strength and will needed to remain in control of a seemingly infinite and unpredictable hub of thought, feeling and perhaps even spirituality. My dreams last night left me shaken when I awoke this morning. People, places, events and things I had not seen in years mixed with situations I could never comprehend to form a mesh of bizarre madness and sadness. I dreamt mostly about my high school. That I was back there doing many of things I used to do and seeing many of the people I used to see. I virtually never think of high school in my waking life. It is a time of life that has phased to far into the past to be worth considering anymore. Yet sometimes I dream of it so vividly.

Perhaps the most impactful moment of last night was when I noticed the first girl I had ever loved from afar walking in my direction. I became nervous to see her and quickly tried to step out of sight. I waited for her to pass by hopefully without noticing me but instead she knew exactly where I was. When she rounded the corner and our eyes met, I quickly greeted her cheerfully in an attempt to hide the fact that I was hiding. She said nothing but smiled soothingly as she leaned in and embraced me lovingly and firmly. In that instant, I could feel the nature and purpose of her embrace. It was for me to let go of something. I immediately began to sob. Tears of sadness. Tears of pain. Tears of fear and tears of loss. She held me as I cried uncontrollably. I awoke moments later with tears in my eyes. I hadn’t dreamt of this girl in longer than I can remember.

Awake now but still feeling the strange pull of my dreamy state, I try and decipher what, if any meaning I can take from this experience. I have been afraid to love since high school. I have always known that. I have never felt so strongly for anyone as I did back then. I see now that my feelings were blinding to reality and part of me never wants to experience attraction on that level again. The emotional devastation when things don’t work out on this spectrum are massively unbearable. In fact it was the loss of this “love” that I felt I had back when I was younger that was probably the biggest contributor to my overwhelming depression that lasted the better part of my 20’s. I am terrified to feel anything so strongly again.

On the flip side though, there is the infinite bliss of being in love. A feeling more powerful than any euphoria and perhaps the one thing humanity is united in finding in their lifetime. It is why we take the risk to love so strongly because to be so madly in love is something magical beyond understanding and a pinnacle in the human experience.

In my dream, I felt almost as if I was being released from old feelings. As if my dream was telling me it’s okay to love again and reminding me that love is not pain but rather the absence of love is pain. But of course, I can never be sure.

It’s day four of no drinking or smoking. I’d like to not drink for this month. I’d like to not smoke ever again. Time will tell. Sobriety usually throws me through a loop starting around this time. When I start to spend too much time not intoxicated, I start to get a ton of weird energy and I feel like my mind starts to unearth all these things I’ve tried to keep buried all this time by routinely slamming back a bunch of bottles. It’s a pandora’s box and I’m never sure what I’m going to find. Sometimes it seems to much to handle but a huge part of me feels finally ready to roll up my sleeves and get dirty.

All my comforts have failed me. The way I’ve been living my life for the last decade has expired. I simply cannot carry on like I have any longer. I have no choice but to change and adapt to move forward. I’ve looked behind me my whole life longing to relive times that had already passed. I tried to recreate them. I tried to find them but my pursuits have brought me nothing but misery. And so I have finally learned that I cannot chase the past and more importantly, I can feel my desire for old days shifting into a longing for something new. I don’t want to be the person I’ve been. I want to be the person I was always meant to become. The person I want to be. And that hasn’t happened yet so I want to let myself get excited about what that truly means.

I feel so strangely, as I always have, about my life and this world in general. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m looking for but I have come to learn what I don’t want. I have also come to learn what I need and what is best for me. I’ve come to understand what actions, thoughts, feelings and behaviours bring me positive results and which ones don’t. With this knowledge I can at least continue my quest with some comfort knowing that I have acquired at least something that will lead me closer to my ultimate search for purpose and meaning in this life. I can’t say if my sobriety will stick. Truly it is my intention but I’ve tried a million times before and failed. Regardless, I will continue to try because I refuse to continue to watch my life pass by from the other side of the looking glass when I should be the one in control of its direction. It’s still a struggle. I don’t think that will change but one day at a time, I want to struggle a little less.