I’ve come so far in the last couple months and especially in these last 30 days, I don’t even know where to begin. I quit smoking cold turkey which is nothing short of miracle. I’ve been going to the gym and running regularly for almost six weeks now. I’ve been making more money at work than I ever have before. I’ve reduced my drinking from multiple times a week to roughly once every week and a half. As a result of all of this I’ve seen a huge increase to my mental, physical and emotional energy. I’ve been sleeping better than I have in years. Without being forced to sleep off hangovers frequently in order to perform my minimum functions for the day, I’ve been waking up earlier and have had more time than I ever thought possible before work to get things done. My productivity is at an all time high. Maintaining my positive momentum has kept me from making poor choices and as such I’ve avoided negative consequence which has in turn boosted my positive momentum even more.
But then something happened.
Fear crept in when I let my guard down and I gave it an inch but it took a mile.
Then over the span of three days I felt my positive momentum slow down and it became extremely hard to move forward in that direction. Almost as if I was walking in quicksand. The more I entertained fear and uncertainty, the more it grew in strength and volume. Then apathy returned and began to root itself. Old negative patterns and habits began to trickle back in. Like a dam beginning to leak and growing closer to bursting entirely. I felt myself withdraw in my head. I started to isolate myself. I felt anxious and afraid even though I had no idea of what. My focus shifted from what I wanted to what I didn’t want. So as a result I started thinking, doing and attracting more of what I did not want.
I woke up today without motivation, tired and with no will to battle with myself over what I should and shouldn’t do. I felt close to giving up and giving in to everything I had worked so hard to leave behind. Then I read my last few blogs posts on here and I was reminded of something.
I cannot go back to living and feeling the way I was when I wrote those not long ago.
And I won’t.
Just like that motivation and inspiration came back to me and in a split second my heart resolved to be a conquerer. I did not come this far to collapse now and return to the bottom of the hole that I have lived for so long. I have tasted the sunlight and the warmth it brings. I’ve felt the freedom of my burdens lifted and the hope of a new day. I will not let fear take root in me again. I will persevere and if I lose my footing I will collect myself, regain myself and carry on with more tenacity than before. I don’t want to be the person I was before. I have left him behind. I still carry my uncertainty and fear is never far behind me but I will trek forward with no regard for such hinderances.
I now must battle again to regain my footing. It will take energy and willpower to uproot these negative things that I have allowed to be planted in these past few days. No matter how hard it seems to be I must remind myself that these roots do not yet grow deep and it although it will require strength to pull them from my life again, it can be done and it must be done…before they have a chance to grow deeper.