Sometimes I wonder if I’m the biggest idiot out there. No matter how much I claim to know better I somehow continually find myself making the same old mistakes and suffering the same old consequences. I know I can attribute some of my decisions to the overall way I’ve been lately, which is something like directionless apathy. I seek out the most minuscule tastes of anything that can make me feel something but of course they never truly satisfy and instead usually make things worse.
I feel like I’ve been so reckless lately in my search and attempt to hold onto anything remotely good these days. I’ve put my quality of life on the line, injured relationships that will probably takes ages to recover from, put myself in situations I know I should stay away from and made a fool of myself, even if I was the only one who truly realized it. I know I’m dabbling in something that I shouldn’t be. Why do I continue to indulge it when I know there is seemingly no future for it and I risk everything just to barely hold onto it? It seems silly and trivial. The timeless debate of what I know and what I feel continue to argue with each other.
I’m trying so hard to pick up the pieces from my past and to just be okay with the way things are and where they’re heading. But if I can’t even do that right now then what do I have to hold onto? I can’t risk losing what I have to simply play around with something that has no future. It’s like gambling. It costs a fortune to try your luck at winning big but most of the time the payouts are small, if you can even get that far and the only thing you can really bet on is that you’re probably going to lose.
I’m tired of hurting the people I care about, myself included. I look in the mirror and the person staring back seems more bleak then ever before. My heart doesn’t want to abandon the things that make me feel good but my mind tells me those good feelings will abandon me first if I don’t do something now. I spend most of my time more confused about everything as it is and now I’ve thrown so much into the mix I can’t tell up from down.
All I want is to be the person I’m supposed to be. I’m not sure exactly who that is but I definitely know a great many things that I don’t want to be or do. I’m turning 27 this month and yet I’m still doing what I’ve always done. Self-medicating, making reckless decisions based off fear and apathy and trying to fill my void of loneliness with all these temporary fixes.
I’m not sure what it’s going to take to launch myself in the direction I need to be going in. It seems that I’m caught in a whirlwind of everything I’ve let get out of control. Now standing in the eye of the storm I have two options: take my last bit of strength and push through with everything I’ve got or stand alone and afraid, as I always have, watching the storm grow bigger and more out of control than ever.
All I seek is peace. All I desire is love. Love for everything. Love for myself.