I feel awful today. It’s a special kind of awful too. It’s the one where it’s not because of the day you’re having or the result of a particular event, it’s the one where the moment you open your eyes in the morning it washes over you instantly, shocking – like a splash of cold water. I always feel helpless when this feeling is so predominant. When it grips, it doesn’t tend to let go. I have many reasons why today doesn’t have to suck. There are many positive things I can focus on. I haven’t smoked or drank for 11 days. I went to the gym this week. My house is clean. I’m feeling clean. I get to see someone I care about tremendously this evening. Despite all this though, the dread has set in setting the tone for the day.
Then the irrational fears come out to play. My favourite. I love having to pick these thoughts and feelings apart to try and lessen their power and my focus on them. I try to analyze them, find their inconsistencies and ultimately try and convince myself that I don’t need to entertain such thoughts. It’s still though always such a battle and I don’t always win.
It feels like I’m getting lost in the monotony of daily life. Waking up each morning and looking around wondering, “is this all it is?” Then I spend the next however many hours trying to figure out a way to fix everything. After drawing no ideas I question whether or not things can ever be changed or if satisfaction and fulfilment are really ever achieved.
I love having a routine. It boosts my productivity immensely and that’s as close as I can get to fulfilment in my life. But I swear if I live another day repeating this exact same routine without seeing any noticeable improvements in my life, I’m going to lose my mind. I need to keep busy and active. Having all this free sober time is making me itch because I have nothing to apply myself too. You should see how clean my house is. It’s bananas! I can’t clean it anymore than it already is.
If I have decided to change who I am then I need the rest of my life to follow suit. I cannot live a changed person while having the life I lived before. I need something new. I need something fulfilling and with purpose. Failure to find this will likely return me to the person I was before and I fear I would not try to climb out of those dark depths for a long time thereafter.