I can feel it again. A changing within me. Not something new but rather a continuation of evolution that had already begun but had been halted by the past many weeks. Fear somehow slipped back into my life unnoticed as I began to spiral downward. I was completely caught off guard. I had no resolve. No will. So I became at the mercy of fear, which has no mercy so things got pretty gnarly. It didn’t take as long for me to catch on though this time. I’m getting better. I’ve been in ruts like these plenty of times before. Usually they seem to drag on for an eternity before I’m able to lift myself up from the bottom but this time, I knew the drill and I knew what I had to do. Consequence certainly helps. There is a huge level of consequence that wasn’t there before. Lack of consequence made it easy to be apathetic but now, it’s a little more complicated than that and honestly, that’s probably the best thing that it could be.
When I’m in that depressive state I feel so dull and dead, grey and devoid of all living colour. It seems and feels that it cannot be broken but when I begin to move towards the light that I know exists, the colour returns and suddenly life is bursting with joyful possibilities. It was never that my problems went away when I made this choice but rather I began to change how I responded to my problems and in by doing so, I prevented new problems from arising from negative action. On top of that, the positive benefits from abstaining from negative or self-harming situations fuelled more positively and recycled that back into my life day after day. I am at the point where I am beginning to understand what is best for my life and what I require to be fulfilled and positive. It has also become clear what things I must avoid. I need to make sure that my resolve here remains strong even when I am faced with the tempting allure to participate in instances that reflect my old way of living. I have to remember that way of living has expired and it has left me with nothing but loneness and misery. I cannot continue in that direction anymore. I must rewrite the course of my life and chart out a new path. If I do not change, grow and evolve with life as it comes to me, I live in disharmony and will truly feel that during every moment of every day.
For as long as I can remember I have simply wanted to live without fear and without limits. For my whole life I have been bound by fear. It is my intention to try with everything in me to be fearless. To live without limits. I imagine what I could accomplish if I did not let fear take hold of me every day. Now, from this moment forward I will discover that.