My head is spinning

Another night of no sleep. *sigh* I suppose I should be grateful that I’m at round three of trying to quit smoking. This is my third attempt in the last month. I usually make it 3 or 4 days before slipping back. Hopefully that won’t be the case this time. It’s just become so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting to keep fighting against the consequences of my decision. Not to mention that but the stress of life is seemingly heavier than usual. I feel like there’s so much on my mind right now anyways and now having this slow-moving madness of trying to detach myself from 10 years of smoking is just too much.

But for some reason, I keep fighting. The fact that I’ve tried to quit 3 times now (cold turkey mind you), in the last month is huge. On average, I’d attempt quitting smoking maybe two times a year at most in the past. The energy it took to quit would usually be so taxing, that I would lose the will or strength to try and quit again for a long time. This time though, I must really want it because I’m giving it everything I’ve got. You can only convince yourself this poison is helping your life for so long before you admit the obvious. Its complete garbage and smoking reflects a huge mentality of fear, at least for me. Fear of change, fear of growth, fear of letting go – I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I’m trying to change my life. I can feel it changing with or without me but for the first time ever, I want to ride with the wind and sculpt out the next chapter of my life instead of resisting the passage of time and having my next phase of life default to something I never wanted. I spent my 20’s searching for meaning and purpose to my life among a sea of friends, booze and partying. Most of those people are gone now. There is nothing good that can be derived from excess drinking (it only took me close to a decade to figure that out). I’m still searching as I always have but there is this huge part of me that is wanting to embrace my age and quiet down. I’ve seen it all before. I know what to expect. The life I was living I maybe identified with back when it began but now it’s become this stale, exhausted attempt to relive something that no longer exists and the more I chase it, the more miserable I become. So perhaps this is the time to be still, to take things slow and to apply all I’ve learned this far in my life. I know what brings fulfillment into my life and I know what doesn’t. I’m tired of investing into things that devoid my life of joy. Good and bad things are always happening but I want to respond to them in a better way.

Last night was the same as the other ones for the past week now. Can’t get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. When I do sleep and dream, you’re there too. I don’t understand how this happened. My insides feel like a raging sea of emotion. I can’t tell up from down or left from right. Haven’t felt like this in a long time. I know its probably all just in my head or at least thats what I keep telling myself. Is this temporary? Is this real? I kind of just want to hide away, where these beautiful and terrifying sensations can’t find me.