Sometimes I really and truly hate myself.
My negligence, my inability to generally make the right choices, and my procrastination are just a few of the qualities I’ve found not just surfacing, but ruling the waters of my life these days.
Right now I have a chance to do something great and I feel like I’m jeopardizing that chance every day. I’m not about to prove everyone who currently doubts me right. Making the right choices to prevent that from happening is something that is clear as day in my head yet I refuse to accept that my decision is wrong. I always have an argument. I always have an excuse. I need to get my shit together if I’m ever going to make anything happen. I need to get organized and I need to prioritize. If I fail, not only do I have to face the humiliation of everyone telling me “I told you so,” but I also have to live with the fact that I did indeed fail and it was a direct result of my inability to make proper decisions.
My negligence and procrastination go hand in hand. For as long as I can remember I’ve always delayed hanging out with people, continually rescheduling appoints that aren’t of immediate concern and pretty much just putting off tomorrow what I could do today. Tonight I realized that if things had played out differently and I didn’t acquire this realization, if something happened….I could never forgive myself. I need to stop letting the way I’m feeling in whatever moment to determine what course of action end up taking. I need to do what I need to do regardless of how I feel. Otherwise, I’ll feel worse in the end.
The Archer and The Eagle put it well when they called one of their songs “Feelings Schmeelings.”
I’ve let the way I feel control my life for far to long. I need to put my emotions aside and make the right choice instead.
And starting now, I aspire to be rid myself of all negligence altogether.