I never wanted to admit that my abuse of something so frequently over the years, would eventually take a tremendous toll on my body, mind and life. For as long as I can remember I’ve shrugged it off as something that I hadn’t done enough to be worried about it. I thought to myself that I still had time. Then when I closed my eyes and thought about it, I remembered that I didn’t have as much time as I thought. I suppose four years is a long enough time, to dig a hole this deep.
Now I feel afraid. Afraid that I might actually have to suffer the consequences for my actions. So far it hasn’t been pretty.
I think I first noticed it when I asked myself how I spent my time and money. When something takes up 50% of your time, I guess that would mean it’s a big deal. I told myself I didn’t feel the need and it was casual but when I choose to not be casual, to not be anything at all, then that’s when I start to notice the effects coming to life.
It’s sad and embarrassing to have to finally admit this to myself. I have to now, in complete entirety put my foot down once and for all and restart and repair what I have slowly wasted away. How unfortunate that it has come to this. How unfortunate that I was too naïve to see myself in this light sooner.
How unfortunate indeed.